Surrendering- “To give over or resign (oneself) to something”
This is something I have been working on long before I went back to church. I cannot remember when exactly it started, maybe around three years ago. Our lives are chaotic, they always have been, and I thrive on the chaos but I always trying to stop it. I needed to have control over anything I could. That is just where I was at in my life.
However, I hit a wall when we got married in 2014. Many people were not happy with our decision and I had to find a way to be ok with that. You see, I am a people pleaser by nature, I hate (absolutely hate) when people feel any kind of anger/sadness/disappointment/etc in me. I did not want anyone to feel any of those things towards me/us, but they did. AND THAT IS OK. I learned to understand the phrase “Agree to Disagree.” I make decisions that other people have a certain feeling about, the reality being they are my decisions.The thing is, I cannot control how other people feel. I try to live my life in a way where I strive for happiness, peace, and confront my problems with grace and an open mind.
Fast forward to finding out we were pregnant with CK, rather quickly after our wedding, which came as a shock because we thought it would take much longer given how our first pregnancy went and other health concerns we have had along the way. I was determined to have a smooth pregnancy-emotionally. Physically pregnancy is just hard on me and that is ok, making a life is not supposed to be easy. I started to understand just what I needed to do, that I could not do everything and that is was ok not to.
After CK was born in July, the first few months were great-we had our normal struggles but as far as having a newborn, normal. We had some huge blows to us financially my maternity leave was not 100% covered because CK came early and then part of my C-Section got denied by insurance. Then when I stopped pumping end of October/November, PPA hit. I had felt PPD with LJ, but nothing compared to when the anxiety side hit this time around. It was debilitating. At first I just felt anxious, like something was wrong. Then the panic attacks came. Every time I would put CK down to sleep around 7 and she would cry, I would panic. Many nights I was in the closet of our bedroom in the fetal position on the floor with the monitor next to me on silent. Watching those stupid green dots telling me she was crying. Hubs would rock her to sleep and I would sleep then when the monitor would go off, back into panic mode. He didn’t know what to do, in all the years we have been together he says he has never seen me fall apart like I did.
Then one night she was crying and he brought her to me because he needed to go to the bathroom. When he came out, I was sitting on the bedroom crying, begging him to take her away from me. I kept telling him she would be better off without me, that I wasn’t meant to be a mom, that I wanted him to take me to the hospital. I told him I wanted whatever drug would make me not feel like this, I just wanted to feel ok agian.He took care of her and I honestly do not remember the rest of that night. The next day at work I could not function. I sat at my desk and sobbed. I called my MIL and her sister reached out to me. I understood that I could not handle this anymore. I needed help. MIL reassured me that I did nothing wrong, I was a great mom and right now I needed to take care of me. MIL took CK for a few nights and I went to the doctor who prescribed Zoloft. The first week on Zoloft was HELL. I lost almost 10 lbs in less than a week because the anxiety had been so bad I could not bring myself to eat. After about 10 days/2 weeks, I started to feel the anxiety fade. I could hold my baby and not feel like the world was falling down around me. I spent about 3 months on Zoloft before I weaned off of it. I gained a ton of weight, felt like a zombie, and slept a lot. There were many nights I slept when CK would sleep 7-2, 3-6 and still felt like that was not enough. I accepted that I needed the Zoloft because it saved me when I needed it to.
I went on Confianza in January, a natural supplement for anxiety, and started to lose the weight and feel more like myself. Now I just take the Confianza when I feel anxious and the feeling passes within an hour. The month from onset to being fully medicated from the Zoloft is not something I wish on anyone. I had heard of PPD but no one had ever even mentioned that it could be anxiety without the depression. I never wanted to hurt my kids but definitely wanted to hurt myself. There were many nights I begged hubs to take me to the mental hospital.
I share my story because I hope, it helps someone, even if it is one person from feeling like they are alone in this. And also, because it was when I truly learned to surrender. I let family take my newborn baby so I could focus on making sure I was a good mother to that baby. I realized I needed help and that it was ok to lose it. Being able to truly surrender has helped me even now as a woman, a wife, a parent, and a friend. When someone asks what’s wrong, I am able to verbalize that without fear of judgement. When I think someone needs help, I offer it, maybe it’s not wanted/maybe it is., but, I would rather offer than not. Because at one point, the offers of my family to help me, saved my life. I am a PPA Warrior Mom ❤